The Pain of Remembering
by deathbytheclockworkarmy
Summary: COHF Spoilers: What if Simon wasn't the only one to lose their memory in the demon realm?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I do not own The Mortal Instrument series nor the Infernal Devices series.**

'_I shall rip a hole through the heart of your world'-Asmodeus_

_Page 641 -Judas Kiss (City of Heavenly Fire)_

Clary Pov:

'His memories' Asmodeus said. My heart rate picked up, the world started spinning faster and faster and faster. I could faintly hear Isabelle chanting 'no, no, no' in the background but I couldn't focus on that. My mind had gone to countless sleepovers, cinema trips, school trips, days doing nothing but playing Dungeons and Dragons. Simon is my best friend and I can't let this happen, it's my fault we're in this mess.

I look at those around me who are basically family: Isabelle, clutching onto Simon her dark eyes a prison of tears that she doesn't want to let free. Alec watching Magnus with a furiosity that makes that simple act look personal and heartbreaking. And finally Jace. My Jace. The boy who terrified and annoyed me in our first encounter. The boy who has shielded his emotions away for so long and has only started showing them. The boy who gave me his heart willingly and trusted me to keep it safe, not knowing that I was about to break into a million pieces.

I ready myself for the oncoming anger that I will receive, the hate in the looks of those I love so much. I raise my head and with a surprisingly steady voice I say 'No. It's my fault, all of this is my fault. Take my memories' I stare directly at Asmodeus' cat-like grin, ignoring the surprised looks off of Isabelle, Magnus and Alec. Ignoring the shock that rolls of Simon like a tidal wave and ignoring the hurt and pain on Jace's face.

Jace grabs my arm in a vice like grip and pulls me towards him in a smooth but fast pull, he puts his hand under my chin of my downcast face and slowly brings it up to his burning gold eyes with show frantic despair. 'Why would you say that? Why?' Jace's voice is low, deadly. 'We have literally been through Hell together and now you want to throw it away? Do you realise how selfish that is?' he drops my chin and my arm and starts to pace running shaking hands through his honeysuckle hair. I want to take it back, I don't want to leave him but it would be more selfish of me to not give Simon this chance. It was my fault he is a vampire, he didn't choose it but he has learned to live with it, he fell in love and I can't let him throw that away just because of a mistake I made. I steel myself, knowing that this is what I have to do. I turn to Asmodeus, who looks bored yet intrigued at the same time, when suddenly a small voice whispers 'you can't do this Clary, please don't do this' I look over at Simon, Isabelle draped over him staring at me with imploring eyes, and I instantly know I have to do this.

Asmodeus is staring at me as though I am his prey and he is the mighty hunter. His eyes flicker for a moment between Simon and I until a falsely innocent smile is placed on his face 'Very well' he says 'Since you are willing I shall take your memories. Both of your memories'

**Hey guys, sorry this is so short. I just wanted to get a feel for it first and to see if anyone liked it :) **

**Hope you have a lovely day!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I do not own The Mortal Instrument series nor the Infernal Devices series.**

'_Hearts are breakable.' -Isabelle_

_(City of Fallen Angels)_

Clary Pov:

The slit in the curtains let a mixture of amber and gold into my bedroom that landed directly into my eye-line, immediately jostling me awake. I chance a peek at my alarm clock praying that I will have at least another hour of sleep until I have to be awake for school, but sadly I have only woken up ten minutes early.

I slowly sit up, trying to work out the kinks in my back and I slip out of bed and head towards the bathroom opposite of my moms and Luke's room. I slip inside, lock the door and quickly turn the shower on. When the shower is hot enough I shed my pyjamas and hop inside. Whilst in the middle of letting the water cascade over me, I start to think of my Mom and Luke. For the past few months now, they have been watching me, almost as though they are studying me. They think I don't notice but I do. I notice how they watch me leave with Simon, how they sneak in my room at night as if almost to check if I was still there. How they both have started to try and spend more time with me. My mom almost jumping at the chance to take me shopping or Luke taking me on a surprise trip to an Art Fair. Maybe they're just worried I'll feel left out with their upcoming wedding, I don't know.

I finally finish washing my hair and wrap the towel around myself and head back to my room. I notice I have forty-five minutes until Simon is going to be here, which probably means in he'll turn up fifteen minutes early with a black coffee and a toasted bagel for me.

I quickly blow dry my hair and shove it up into a quick ponytail and decide to wear a fitted pair of black jeans and checkered button-down shirt. Just as i'm slipping my boots on I hear the doorbell ring and know that my breakfast and Simon have arrived. I grab my bag and head towards the kitchen as I can already smell the richness of my coffee.

I enter the kitchen and notice three things: One, my mom is talking to a very tall brunette girl. Two, Simon is sat on the breakfast bar eating his bagel and talking to Luke but keeps checking out said brunette girl and three, the brunette girl is checking out Simon.

I go and sit besides Simon who gives me my coffee and bagel and whispers to me 'Hey, who is _that' _whilst giving the brunette girl a subtle once over. All of a sudden a sharp pain twists my gut and I don't understand why. I don't care that Simon is openly ogling this new girl, he can stare at whoever he wants. I take a quick sip of my coffee and not trusting my voice, for some bizarre reason, I just settle for a quick shrug and smile which feels more like grimace than anything. Simon gives me a quick once-over as though he know's there is something wrong, he opens his mouth to ask when all of a sudden my mother embraces me from behind and says 'Clarissa! I didn't realise you was awake!' she lets go of me and gestures towards the brunette who is leaning against the wall 'This is Isabelle, daughter of an old friend of mine'

**Thank you for reading this :) Just letting you know, I'm from England so if I get any American terminology wrong please let me know! Hope you have a lovely day!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I do not own The Mortal Instrument series nor the Infernal Devices series. **

'_That's Clary; she's my best friend '-Simon_

_(City of Fallen Angels)_

Simon's Pov:

I enter the apartment building for Clary's home trying to get up the million steps on the stupid staircase whilst juggling food and coffee. I'm pretty sure this is how I'm going to die, I'm going to miss a step and fall to my doom with coffee and bagels. How heroic. Pretty sure that'll make Clary fall in love with me.

I'm almost at the top of the staircase when I the bag of bagels fall out of my hands, trying to figure out how to balance hot coffee and grabbing them when I see a porcelain hand reach out to grab them. I turn around and I'm almost stunned by what I see, a statuesque girl with flowing locks of mahogany and eyes of pure chocolate, surely she is an angel! My suspicion of her angelic qualities is only confirmed when she starts to speak with a voice as smooth as liquid gold 'Hello, need any help there?' I realise that I've been staring at her and I mutely shake my head and grab the offered bagels off of her. I nod my thanks and rush up the remaining steps only to notice that this beautiful girl is following me upwards. I turn towards her, slightly unnerved that someone could walk in shoes that have a heel that look about eight inches or higher at this speed. 'Can I help you?' I say in a puzzled tone, why is she following me? Surely Clary would of mentioned having a friend like this. She laughs, a quite tinkling laugh, which is extremely unlike Clary's boisterous laugh, and says 'I'm looking for the Fair..Fray household' once again words have escaped me and I can only nod mutely and gesture for her to follow me.

I finally reach the door and let myself in, and I expect her to wait in the door but she follows me in and walks past me leaving me to close the door. She immediately walks over to a startled Jocelyn, who then upon noticing me gives me a wave and a smile and motions me to the kitchen where Luke is barely awake lying against the breakfast bar. I stifle a laugh when he gives me a half-hearted nod and reaches for his coffee as I head over.

I reach Luke and sit by his side, grinning at his apparent tiredness, he looks over and rolls his eyes and says 'Shut up Simon' to which I laugh outright and go to grab my bagel. As I do, I notice the girl from the stairway staring at me, do I have something on my face? I quickly check my reflection in the window across from me, no nothing there. I look back to the girl and notice once again she is looking, I'm about to turn and ask Luke who she is when Clary sits on the remaining stool, looking suspiciously at the visitor. I immediately give her, her breakfast and casually lean over and ask 'Hey, who is _that_'. Judging by the withering look she gave me I obviously know that was not the right question to ask.

I casually look her up and down, hoping she doesn't really notice since she's staring at this new girl. Clary has always been my best friend, since we was in Kindergarten. She's been there for my mothers rants and all of my sisters boyfriends and I've always been there for her mother's constant questions and Luke's knowing looks about when she would _really_ be home. I don't know how but along the way, I fell in love with her. Yes I can admire other girls, like the brunette with the shockingly short skirt, but no one will ever be my Clary. Even now, with her tight jeans, her checkered top and her sloppy ponytail she looks perfect to me.

I finally look away from Clary and catch the end of Jocelyn's sentence, so the brunette is called Isabelle? I know in Hebrew that Isabelle means 'devoted to God' but the way she is glaring at me right now makes me wonder if she's calling on Satan to end me. Why is she staring at me like this? I don't know this girl.

I look to Clary who has obviously noticed the gir...Isabelle's fierce glare and is sending one back of her own. Is she..Is Clary jealous of this girl looking at me? I haven't got time for that daydream to come now where both girls fight for my honour, we have to get to school. I look to Clary and I can't help the small smile that comes to my face and I have to fight a bigger one when I see her blush. 'Come on Fray' I say. 'Got to get to school'.

Clary jumps up to go and and grab her jacket from her room and Jocelyn comes over to give me a hug, which until recently would be a strange occurrence. 'Watch out going to school, okay Simon? Oh and if you're coming over tonight we're having Mexican' she rubs my arms and goes to Isabelle. When Clary finally arrives back she gives Luke and her mom and hug and kiss and nods goodbye to Isabelle. I head to the door to open it for Clary who is just nodding at her moms demands to keep safe and I notice Luke smiling and shaking his head at the exasperated Clary and the frowning Jocelyn, he catches my eye and holds up his cup in a silent goodbye which I respond with a subtle nod of the head.

When Clary is finally released from her mother's clutches, we race down the stairs and into the crisp air of February and head towards St Xavier's high school where we are in our Sophomore year. The ground is still slippy from the snow over the weekend so I grab the crook of Clary's elbow just to make sure she won't fall. She looks at me out the corner of her eye and starts to smile. Not the slight smile Isabelle gave, but the genuinely happy smile that is usually reserved for me and me alone. Because of the smile she gives me I'm forced to ask what she's smiling at which she only responds in a loud laugh and says 'If that Isabelle had a little bit more squint to her glare she could win _America's Next Top Model'. _At this I can't help but laugh and pull her toward me and move my arm to around her shoulders.

For the next ten minutes of our walk to school Clary and I are both doing impressions of Isabelle's catlike walk, with Clary shaking her hips every once in a while, which I don't think she realises is very, _very _distracting. I attempt to do the same thing but whilst I am doing the last thrust I accidentally crash into another street walker. I almost fall to the floor and would have done if Clary hadn't of caught me. I stand straight and start hurtling out apology after apology to the stranger. He stands and looks at me, almost appraisingly as though he is judging every aspect of me with his golden eyes, his head quickly turns to Clary and with a low, smooth voice says 'keep your boyfriend on a leash will ya' don't want him to ruin someone else's morning.'

Clary, speaking for the first time, walks the extra two steps so she is in the strangers personal bubble and looks up at him menacingly, or what she thinks looks menacing, she is five foot after all and is looking up at him, she pokes the strangers chest with a quick harsh jab and says 'Excuse me, how dare you say that. Simon does not deserve to be on a leash and he apologised countless times. Who the hell do you think you are?' Throughout Clary's speech I noticed that she did not refute the fact that I was boyfriend, maybe she thought it wasn't worth mentioning?

Whilst my conscious is running amok with imaginings of Clary declaring her love for me, the stranger starts to answer. 'Who am I?' he says 'I am everything you have ever wanted' with a sharp laugh he starts retreating backwards and with a growing smile on his face he says 'But my friends call me Jace'

**Can't believe I wrote so much for this chapter! I guess I really like writing from Simons POV!**

**Again, I'm sorry if I mess any American sayings up and I hope you have a really lovely day! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I do not own The Mortal Instrument series nor the Infernal Devices series. **

_I love you, and I will love you until I die and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then.- Jace_

_(City of Glass)_

Jace Pov:

As I turn once again from Clary and Simon, my smile instantly drops. For the past two months I have avoided her. If she was brought up in conversation, I left the room. If I saw her on the street, I walked into the nearest shop or alleyway. Part of me hates her, she gave up. She gave up on Shadowhunters. She gave up what we have been through. She gave up on _us_.

We went through Sebastian, Valentine, Demons together. We went through if we're really brother and sister. We went through so much and when we thought we lost, we carried on but when we actually won, she gave up.

Whilst part of me does hate her, the stronger part of me still loves her. She was my everything, she was the reason I woke in the morning, the reason I began to let my emotions show. She was the reason I wanted to be the best for her, but it seems it wasn't good enough. _I_ wasn't good enough.

Alec has told me that I need to move on, that it's not good for me to pine over her, which I steadily replied that he pined over Magnus for a lot longer than I was with Clary.

I understand why she did it, she thought that it was her fault. Her fault Simon got turned into a vampire, her fault that Sebastian attacked everyone and killed countless people. Whilst I understand it, I don't like it. I want to wake up in her arms again like I did in the cave. I want to go into the training room and see her practise. I want to go into her room and watch her draw me when she thinks I'm not looking. I just need her back in my life, I need her now more than ever.

I've been invited to Jocelyn and Luke's wedding but _she'll_ be there and _he'll_ be there draped over her like he used to be. Before I was in the picture, when she thought that Simon was the man she was going to marry because she thought no one else would come around.

These days I try not to stay at the institute for too long, it's always the same. Alec will send me a sad smile and try to hide he is not completely happy with Magnus. Isabelle will pretend everything is okay and will train from dawn to dusk when she's not holed up in her room probably crying.

I need Clary back, and the way I handled it then was not how it was going to happen. I turn around to offer some sort of apology and see Clary hugging Simon so tightly, so _intimately, _she looks as though she will squeeze the life out of him.

I carry on walking down the street trying to get the picture of Simon and Clary, of course they hugged when we was together but that was when I knew she loved me not him. I wonder what they've been up to, I bet he still stays over. I bet he sleeps in her bed and watches her sleep. I bet when he hugs her he drags his fingers up and down her back to make her shiver. Up and down, up and down, up and down, up and... 'excuse me' a soft voice say's behind me. I stop and turn around, a flushed Clary stands there, her face torn between annoyance and pity. She looks like she doesn't want to be here, but yet she is. She holds her head high, her vibrant ponytail bobbing as she does and speaks with a confident voice 'I don't like what you did to Simon it, yeah it was his fault but no need to be a jackass about it, he apologised' she folds her arms and cocks her hip 'but, what sort of person would I be if I didn't give you this' she holds out my wallet. It must have fallen out of my pocket when Simon bumped into me, I can only hope she didn't look inside. She would have seen a picture of us two together sat with Church at the Institute. I look up and see that annoyance has won out over pity. 'Well no need to say thank you, just stare at me that's all the thanks I need' she turns to walk away when I reach forward and grab her arm and put on my most charming smile and say 'Thanks' at her sceptical look i add 'No really, it means a lot that you would take my wallet just to talk to me' I give her a wink and see her flushed face turn scarlet as she shakes her head and walks back to a glaring Simon.

I give out a small laugh, it will take a long time but one day she'll be mine again.

I head back to the Institute but as I walk past Clary's home I see Isabelle walk out and immediately stop when she sees me. I raise an eyebrow at her silently asking what she is doing _there. _Her face is a picture of apprehension and guilt. She starts to walk away, thinking she can walk away from this problem, by the angel I know you can't.

'Izzy' I start as I fall in step with her 'Why was you there?' There is complete silence. 'Isabelle, why was you there?' my voice a lot firmer than before. She looks at me out the corner of her eye and in a quiet, defeated voice I have never heard her use before she responds 'I went to see if...if anything had happened. If they had remembered anything. If Simon' she suddenly stop talking and you don't have to be a genius to figure out what the rest of the sentence was '_If Simon remembered me' _

We continue the walk in silence, there seems to be lots of that recently: silence. No more of Simon's ramblings about Dungeons and Dragons. No more of Clary's laugh ringing through the institute.

Isabelle suddenly stops and turns to me, her eyes frantic and wide. Her lips trembling. She opens and closes her mouth several times until finally she says 'They invited us around for tea. All of us'

I suddenly understand why she is so scared, what if we find out that they are together now, Clary didn't say Simon wasn't her boyfriend before. She didn't seem to care when I insinuated it. I swallow my fear and crack a smile that I hope is not a grimace 'Well' I say 'Lets not ignore free food'

**I don't know why, but I'm not sure If I like this chapter very much ):  
Thank you for reading, hope you're having a lovely day!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I do not own The Mortal Instrument series nor the Infernal Devices series. **

'_I care about what happens to you! Dammit'-Simon_

_(City of Lost Souls)_

Simon Pov:

Clary and I get to school with only a few minutes to spare and are in our English seats when the bell actually goes off. She's quiet and I'm not sure why, I'm about to ask her but our teacher tells us to get a _Tale of Two Cities_ out and my chance to talk to her is gone.

I zone out when our teacher is droning on about this book, I haven't read it and I probably will never read it. Instead of focussing on it my mind wanders to Isabelle. She was so beautiful, unlike Clary, no one is like Clary. But Isabelle, she seems familiar and I don't know why. I feel like I know her but that I don't at the same time. I wonder if she feels the same, maybe that's why she was glaring at Clary and I this morning? Why was she glaring at us? She had seemed so nice when it was just us two talking but once Clary came in, Isabelle's ice went frosty and her body rigid.

And what was with Clary? Glaring right back at her, looking angry at me for, well checking Isabelle out. She has never hinted at wanting a relationship with me. Sure she hugs me all the time and I always sleep over at her house even when Luke and Jocelyn aren't there. Does she recognise Isabelle and that's what brought the sudden anger on? Do they not like each other? But then Jocelyn introduced Clary to Isabelle then and there. So that can't be it.

Before I know it, I'm walking down to maths with Clary by my side. She abruptly turns towards me biting her lip, she looks nervous and I'm not sure why. I smile down to her and put my hands on her forearms hopefully calming her down, when suddenly she reaches up and kisses me on the corner of my mouth, it was only fleeting but it was still a kiss. I see splotches of red appear across her cheeks and i don't have to see it to know my face is the same. I open my mouth to say something, anything but all that comes out is a puff of air and suddenly, as though remembering where we was, she mumbled a quick 'meet you at lunch' and walked past me towards her next lesson. Huh, guess today is the day of weird things to happen.

I start walking towards maths and realise she kissed me in the hallway and now people are watching, great. I quickly make it to maths without running into anyone and let the the class role on by.

By the time dinner comes, I'm a nervous wreck, I'm sweating in places I didn't realise you could sweat. I start to walk to towards the art room, which is where we usually eat our dinner. I stand at the door, trying to will myself to go in and when I finally do, I don't know why I hesitated. Clary was the same as she always had been to me. Radiant. She had pulled her ponytail down and had unbuttoned her checkered shirt to reveal a grey t-shirt underneath. She had paint splodges across her arms and some on her neck and cheek. She's biting her bottom lip again and I subconsciously put a hand to the corner of my mouth. She looks over and smiles, my smile, and beckons me over with a wave of her hand.

I walk over and sit on the stool next to hers and look over at what she's painting. I'm shocked, I know this place at least I think I know this place. It's basically a glass city. I turn to Clary wondering if she's feeling what I am. She looks straight back at me and nods her head and looks at the painting again. I turn back to the painting 'I don't understand. I've dreamt of this place Clary and you've drawn it'. Her head whips towards me, sending the red sparks that is her hair flying 'You've dreamt of it? I've dreamt of it Simon. Almost every night since' she pauses for a microsecond but I know what she's going to say, 'Since December' we say in unison. She looks at me again and then back at the painting that has emerald fields and sapphire lakes and me again and suddenly she's laughing. A rich laugh that comes straight from her stomach, in turn it makes me laugh.

After a few moments, she becomes silent. A light pink blush covers her cheek and says in an affectionate tone 'I always knew we was weird, but not that weird'. I chuckle and reach for her hand, slowly drawing circles across the back of it with my thumb 'but you know you love how we work' I smile and lean forward with every word. Her eyes growing wider and wider the closer I approached until her eyes was glued to my lips. I slowly puckered my lips knowing she was watching every move and then I blew in her face. The act caught her off guard and suddenly she was hitting me with her checkered shirt, laughing a vibrant laugh which is my favourite. 'You're an idiot' she says after a moment or two. 'But you're my best friend.'

The rest of dinner was spent with us laughing and talking about what to wear at Pandemonium that weekend with Clary telling me that I should never wear my Dungeons and Dragons shirt there again, Before heading to our two different lessons we decided to meet at my locker before heading to hers for Mexican.

After two hours of Chemistry and Music I find Clary stood at my locker talking to Eric. Other than Clary he has to be my best friend as I get closer I can fully hear what Eric is talking about '...but that's not great is it? What band is called the Swiss Marmalade?' I laugh as I approach them and say 'We'll figure something out don't worry' whilst putting my arm around Clary's shoulders.

As Clary and I are walking to her house, I realise that we haven't spoken about the kiss incident but by the the I decide to talk about it we're already inside. I quickly yell my hello's to Luke and Jocelyn whilst Clary does the same as we head to her room where we begin to play a quick game of Dungeon and Dragons.

A few hours later we hear a knock at Clary's door and Luke is peering in telling us our food is ready, we hastily get up and follow him but slow down when we hear whispers coming from the kitchen. The whispers suddenly stop when we see who is seated around the table. There are two free seats at the end of the table with Clary and I claim for ourselves. Across from us are Luke and Joycelyn who have just finished plating up the food. To our left is two young men, one with piercing aquatic, blue eyes and raven black hair and the other with a caramel complexion and feline eyes. To our right is Isabelle wearing a skin-tight black dress and next to her is the guy who we bumped into this morning. Oh this will be fun.

Clary and I share a quick look at one another before looking back to the rest of guests, there is a few seconds of awkward silence until Jocelyn clears her throat and begins to give introductions 'Now Clary, Simon this here is Alec and Magnus' indicating to the two men on our left. 'And this is Isabelle and Jace' indicating to the two on our right. 'Guys this is my daughter Clary and her friend Simon' we all nod at one another and suddenly Clary's hand is on mine under the table a clear sign showing that we are both feeling the same thing. _We don't want to be here._

**Thank you guys for reading :) I actually like writing in Simon's Pov!  
I decided to add in a little Climon/Clary just because I feel if Jace and Isabelle hadn't have come along Clary might have fallen a little for Simon.**

**I'm sorry if I got some American slang wrong, I was nervous about writing about the High School because it I'm from England haha**

**Please can you help me and tell me who's Pov the next chapter should be in? I can't decide between:**

**-Simon**

**-Jocelyn **

**-Clary**

**-Isabelle**

**-Alec**

**Thank you, have a lovely day! **


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